The Bourne Confusion
by homicidalwombat
Summary: What the original screenplay of "The Bourne Identity" looked like.


**Yeah, I started another story. Kill me, please. I just have writer's block on the others...**

**AN: I don't own Jason Bourne! If I did, I'd never get any writing done.**

BOAT-SEA-NIGHT

**A kind of drunk looking guy is standing on the deck of the ship, staring blankly at the water. Suddenly, he sees a funny shape with a blinking light attatched. He runs inside to where his buddies are playing poker:**

Drunk Guy:

Il y a un homme mort dans l'eau!

Smoking Guy:

Why are you speaking in French? You know we can't understand that shit!

Drunk Guy:

Sorry, force of habit. But there's a dead guy in the water!

**Poker Dudes make drinky-drinky motions.**

Drunk Guy:

I'm not drunk! There's a dead guy with a little floating light!

Smoking Guy:

(nudges guy next to him) Jacque, you're a doctor. Go see what Bob is talking about.

Jacque:

Okay.

Drunk Guy:

My name isn't Bob!

**They go out onto the deck. The guy with the light is still face down in the water. Jacque's eyes bug out of his head.**

Jacque:

Holy shit! This guy isn't dead! He's got a pulse!

**Drunk Guy passes out.**

INTERIOR BOAT-SEA-NIGHT

**Jacque shoves a load of random objects off a table and throws the unconscious guy onto it. He rips off the guys wetsuit.**

Smoking Guy:

Hey, Jacque, are you gonna rape that dude?

Jacque:

Are you kidding? Why the hell would you think THAT?

Smoking Guy:

Um… I saw you ripping off his shirt and… whatever. (Goes upstairs)

**Unconsious guy groans and rolls over.**

Jacque:

(Yanks out random bullets) ten…eleven…twelve. This man was shot twelve times! (Pulls off unconscious man's pants) My God! Look at that thing! (looks down at thigh) Oh, and he's got a scar on his leg. Maybe I should open it up or something.

**Jacque slices open the guy's leg and sees something silvery inside.**

Jacque:

Ahhh! Alien eggs! (Looks closer) Oh, no it's not.

**He starts to pull it out, but it hits the side of the guy's leg and he spazzes out for a second and there's a zapping noise.**

Jacque:

Ooh! It's like Operation! Wait, no, I suck at that game. Oh well.

**He keeps puling it out, zapping the guy about seventeen times. Finally, he gets it out, and washes it in the sink. He fiddles around with it, staring at it with his really big glasses.**

Jacque:

Ooh, shiny. Hey, what does this button do?

**He presses a button, and a light comes on and shines at the back wall. It reads out some words.**

**Suddenly, unconscious guy (Who will now be called John Doe) wakes up and attacks Jacque. Jacque screams like a little girl.**

John Doe:

Who are you? Where am I? Where are my pants?

Jacque:

My name is Jacque! I will not hurt you! You are on a ship in France somewhere! You can kill me but I'll never give back your pants! Who are you?

John Doe:

Uh… I dunno. (passes out)

**Montage of John Doe doing fishermanly stuff, intercut with him brooding.**

INT BOAT-FRANCE-DAY

Jacque:

(Hands John Doe a bundle of cash) Go, John Doe. Find your true identity.

John Doe:

Where? How? Who? When? What? Why? Playtpus?

Jacque:

Those are questions we may never get answers for. But here: Use this to help you.

**Jacque hands John Doe the shiny silver thing.**

Jacque:

If you press that button, there is a hidden message. I found it in your leg.

John Doe:

Um… thanks? (presses button and shines light against blank wall)

**Light says: PEPSI-COLA SINGSTAR CONTEST! ENTER TO WIN YOUR CHANCE AT A MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH AND PRIZES!**

John Doe:

There was an advertisement for Pepsi imbedded in the flesh of my thigh? How the hell is that supposed to be useful?

Jacque:

Oh. Sorry. Wrong light. (hands him another light)

**Light says: GO TO SWITZERLAND. YOU HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT THERE. YOUR BOX NUMBER IS 6897356790.**

John Doe:

That one makes much more sense. The first one was really weird. I don't even drink Pepsi!

Jacque:

How would you know that? You can't remember your past.

John Doe:

… coughplotholecough

Jacque:

Anyway, we're at the dock now, so go to Switzerland and discover who you are!

John Doe:

But what if I'm an assassin who works for the CIA and kills important people and I botched a job and people are trying to kill me and I'll never stop being hounded until the day I die by my former employers and everyone I ever love will be systematically killed off without ever knowing truly why?

Jacque:

Oh, come on. What are the chances of that? You've been reading too much James Bond.

John Doe:

James WHO?

Jacque:

No, not Doctor Who, James Bond. He's a… forget it. Just take the cash and leave me alone. It should be enough to get you some food.

John Doe:

But this is Monopoly money.

Jacque:

Um… (shoves John Doe off deck and into water) Swim, man, swim to shore! Swim to your destiny!

John Doe:

(drowning) But I don't remember how to swim!

**John is suddenly on land.**

John Doe:

Oh. Okay, that works too.


End file.
